The Giver of Life

I am always amazed at how God perfectly orchestrates His will. Nothing takes Him by surprise, and He often makes sure nothing takes us by surprise either.

Just a few days before my miscarriage, I was reading the story of Hannah. God impressed on my heart the truth that all life belongs to Him. Our children are just a temporary gift–a loan. He can choose to take them back at any moment.

When my miscarriage started, I was in denial. It couldn’t be happening. My husband convinced me to call the midwife. Even then, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t be miscarrying. I had cramping and bleeding at 8 weeks with Quentin. This was the same, right?

But when the cramping became pain so bad I couldn’t sleep or move, I knew.

When I hemorrhaged on the way home from church, I knew.

When my hormones went crazy and stayed that way for months, I knew.

It was hard to grieve. It was harder to cry. This tiny life I barely knew existed was gone without us ever meeting face-to-face. I never got to hear a heartbeat. I never got to feel the first flutters that turn into violent kicks. I wanted to grieve; I just didn’t know how. It seemed as if God had let me go.

But He hadn’t. He prepared me. He led me to the story of Hannah. He gave me a friend who had gone through this a couple of years before. He gave me Himself. He too knew the pain of being separated from a child.

He is the giver of life. That title grants Him the right to take it away, too. He did.

And, in His time, He gave us another life.

Sometimes when I watch Elena (5 months) laughing and playing, I wonder about the other baby. S/he would have been almost a year. Learning to walk. Starting to talk. Was I right? Was that baby a boy?

But if that baby had lived, Elena wouldn’t be here. How do I wrap my mind around that? I want both of them, but one wouldn’t be here without the other being gone.

God had a plan. He knows why. Maybe someday I will know, too. What I do know is He was faithful through the loss and provided healing through the gain.

4 thoughts on “The Giver of Life

  1. Aww Joanna, I love your honesty! The Lord brings us Pure Joy, even in pain. It is hard to understand sometime when He takes things from us that we desire so much…but then through the fires and trials…we are brought to place of pure joy and understating of His perfect will in our life…He will always amaze me in His perfectness. Your a wonderful Mom and a very special friend, which I have very few of, due to feeling inadequate and not trusting peoples sincerity in general. So thank you for you and your Openness and Honesty that makes me feel safe and loved.
    I Love You Terry

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  2. Oh Joanna, I relate to this all too well! I feel the same way when I look at our Isaac. I look at him and think, “Wow! Andrew would have been . . .” Then I have to remind myself that there before me is a manifestation of God’s love and grace. Through the pain (even the pain of also losing Isaac’s twin), He brought us laughter and joy again. I have to pull myself out of the would-have-beens and remember that I have living proof that God can bring joy through pain. Thank you for sharing your story!

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