I am always amazed at how God perfectly orchestrates His will. Nothing takes Him by surprise, and He often makes sure nothing takes us by surprise either.
Just a few days before my miscarriage, I was reading the story of Hannah. God impressed on my heart the truth that all life belongs to Him. Our children are just a temporary gift–a loan. He can choose to take them back at any moment.
When my miscarriage started, I was in denial. It couldn’t be happening. My husband convinced me to call the midwife. Even then, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t be miscarrying. I had cramping and bleeding at 8 weeks with Quentin. This was the same, right?
But when the cramping became pain so bad I couldn’t sleep or move, I knew.
When I hemorrhaged on the way home from church, I knew.
When my hormones went crazy and stayed that way for months, I knew.
It was hard to grieve. It was harder to cry. This tiny life I barely knew existed was gone without us ever meeting face-to-face. I never got to hear a heartbeat. I never got to feel the first flutters that turn into violent kicks. I wanted to grieve; I just didn’t know how. It seemed as if God had let me go.
But He hadn’t. He prepared me. He led me to the story of Hannah. He gave me a friend who had gone through this a couple of years before. He gave me Himself. He too knew the pain of being separated from a child.
He is the giver of life. That title grants Him the right to take it away, too. He did.
And, in His time, He gave us another life.
Sometimes when I watch Elena (5 months) laughing and playing, I wonder about the other baby. S/he would have been almost a year. Learning to walk. Starting to talk. Was I right? Was that baby a boy?
But if that baby had lived, Elena wouldn’t be here. How do I wrap my mind around that? I want both of them, but one wouldn’t be here without the other being gone.
God had a plan. He knows why. Maybe someday I will know, too. What I do know is He was faithful through the loss and provided healing through the gain.